The Good Old Days
by Kanotari
Summary: Loki and the Avengers share childhood stories with each other, revealing some rather scandalous details about their vibrant pasts. One-shot.


**So I was reading Norse mythology and came across a few very strange details. It was immediately obvious why they weren't included in either the comics or the movies; they were really freaking weird. And then I got drunk, and alcohol and fanfiction are a terrible combination. A****pparently in my drunken state, I forgot Loki wasn't a part of the Avengers and that he wasn't in the Shawarma scene at the end of the Avengers movie. ****So I apologize in advance for my drunken transgressions. Please accept the humor at face value and don't search for elaborate plot. And yes, Thor and Loki's childhood stories are straight out Norse Mythology. **

**Thank you AnnaVance92 for the lovely beta work.**

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"Man. I haven't had meat like that since my mom cooked it for me," Tony sighed.

"Your mother, Lady Stark," Thor inquired. "I thought she had passed."

"You betcha, Point Break," the playboy quipped back, drawing from his reserve of nicknames. "I was only thirteen. She would have chewed me out if she saw the state of my kitchen now..."

Natasha snorted. "You mean unused?"

"Exactly!" Tony said, pointing at the red headed assassin. "She tried to teach me to cook, wanted me to be able to look after myself I guess, but I was never good at it. She only stopped when I accidentally blew up the microwave. Now that I think about it, that's probably why Pepper is never in the same room as me when I make popcorn," he mused. "Anyway, she was trying to teach me to make Jiffy Pop. It's this sort of popcorn that comes in a little pie tin and you make it... on... the... stove..." He stopped when he noticed Cap, Thor, and Loki staring at him blankly. "It's tasty. Just go with it," he sighed in lieu of an explanation. "So anyway, I didn't particularly care about cooking. I just wanted my damn popcorn, so when my mom left the room, I thought I'd speed up the process by shoving it in the microwave."

"Idiot," Natasha muttered.

"I thought Starkson was a genius," Thor interrupted.

"When you put metal in a microwave, Thor, it catches on fire," Black Widow explained patiently as if talking to a rather large child.

"In my defense, I didn't know that then," Stark claimed. "But I found out when my microwave burst into flames. Mom came rushing back into the room... then the fire sprinklers went off..." He sighed as he remembered the happy times with his mother. "And then I was grounded for a month, but you know me. Grounding wasn't the most effective punishment."

Natasha and Clint laughed and Bruce cracked a smile, but Loki simply raised an eyebrow.

"It means he spent a lot of time in his room and didn't get to play with his toys," Steve explained, happy to finally be able to explain something to their alien visitors.

Now Thor and Loki joined in the laugher. "Grounding, as you call it, was never effective for my brother or I," Thor admitted.

"Father always just took your hammer away," Loki added.

"And he sent you away," Thor chuckled, not noticing the twinge of anger that passed across Loki's face. Had Thor been wiser, he might have noticed that his adoptive brother wasn't too fond of having his flaws pointed out.

"Yes," Loki agreed with a beaming smile that felt out of place in the oddly-tense shawarma shop. "Though I usually managed to avoid my punishment. Thor, on the other hand... Tell them about your wedding, brother."

"Wedding?!" Tony demanded, a tear of mirth appearing in the corner of his eye. "Oh I have got to hear this story."

"Well go on, dear brother," Loki goaded. The god of lightning sent a dark look toward his counterpart of mischief and mayhem. Loki smiled sweetly, his pearly white teeth flashing beneath the flickering fluorescent lighting. "I refuse to leave our friends in the dark," Loki continued. "I'll tell them."

Stark clapped his hands together in anticipation while their other companions leaned in, curious to hear about Thor's marriage.

"Well my brother angered the All-Father one day, and the All-Father subjected him to his traditional punishment, taking Mjolnir. He gave it to the giant Thrymr, and when brother found out, he was furious. He flew to the giant in a rage and demanded his hammer back, but the giant refused unless he was permitted to marry Freyja." The demi-god's smile grew even wider. "She declined."

"I still have the scar," Thor murmured, subconsciously rubbing his collarbone.

"Thor was forced to resort to a more... entertaining plan," Loki explained.

"Entertaining for you," the blonde god snorted.

"Most certainly," Loki agreed. "I left Thor alone to make his plan, and I quickly realized what a foolish idea that was. When I returned, Thor had dressed himself in a wedding gown. He even took mother's jewels and draped them about his neck. Naturally, I had to see how this progressed, and so I accompanied Thor as he attempted to convince the giant that he was the most beautiful Aesir in all of existence. But first, I gave him a veil."

"You did not!" Thor protested. "You ripped down mother's curtains and tossed them over my head."

"Call it what you will," Loki said dismissively. "Thor nearly exposed our ruse twice. First, when he ate thirty whole pigs at the wedding feast."

"I was hungry!" Thor insisted.

Loki rolled his eyes. "I had to convince the giant that Thor had fasted for a week in preparation for their marriage ceremony," he explained. "Then when he lifted his veil."

"It was hot under there," Thor groaned.

"This is why I leave you behind when I attempt subterfuge," Loki hissed. "The giant caught sight of Thor's eyes and proclaimed them to be the eyes of a warrior. I laughed it off and informed the giant that his bride was so excited to be wed that she found herself unable to sleep of late. I cannot believe he bought such a flimsy excuse, but he did. Then I convinced him to wear Mjolnir at his hip to the wedding..."

"You should have seen his face when I ripped my hammer from him as we were about to exchange vows!" Thor laughed.

"You should have seen the look on my face when I saw my brother dancing across the battlefield in a stunning white dress and fabulous jewels to match," Loki quipped.

"You're one to talk about womanly garb, brother," Thor shot back. "After all, I was never a mother."

Loki's pale cheeks suddenly flushed crimson. "I don't know what you're talking about," he murmured, barely audible.

"For the god of lies," Bruce said, "you're not very good at lying."

Thor smiled, enjoying his revenge. "Did you know that my brother was in fact my _sister_, not once, but twice."

Tony's eyes traced over Loki's figure, as if wondering how Loki's true gender had escaped his attention.

"It was temporary," the disgraced god shot back. "And the result of magic far beyond your comprehension."

"He turned himself into a mare," Thor clarified.

"Am I the only one here wondering why..." Tony interjected.

"Nope," Clint added as the Captain said, "Me too."

"It was all part of a clever ruse," Loki said, as if that explained it all. "Father asked me to hinder a certain construction project, so I attempted to... seduce... the builder's horse, knowing that he could not complete the project without the help of his steed. I turned myself into a stunning mare," he said with pride in his voice, though whether he was proud of his plan or of his equine good-looks was unclear. "I approached the stallion when he was tethered outside the builder's cottage, thinking I could lure him into breaking his bonds. I would then run into the forest and turn myself into my traditional form and no one would ever know of my involvement."

"Except that he miscalculated," Thor said with a smirk.

Loki's lips vanished into a thin line. "The horse ran faster than I thought," he said grimly.

"You tripped over your extra limbs," Thor corrected, raising a hand when Loki tried to protest. "Either way," he continued, "the stallion... caught... my brother and... and..."

The rest of Thor's story was drowned out by the raucous laughter of the rest of the table.

"You had sex with a horse!" Steven gasped, his eyes wide with disbelief.

"Even better," Thor added. "He was impregnated by a horse."

"You are a horse's baby-momma!" Tony gasped, clutching at his ribs.

"An eight-legged horse," the god of thunder added.

"Slepnir is a fine foal!" Loki protested amid the laughter.

"And I'm sure father appreciates him," Thor chuckled.

"You must be so proud," Tony said with a mocking grin.

"Wait a minute!" Bruce interrupted. "You said Loki was a woman twice."

"Yes, Thor!" Tony chimed in, knitting his fingers under his chin and smiling like an innocent schoolgirl. "I do believe you owe us another story."

"I think you've heard more than enough, Tin Man," Loki hissed.

"All right, all right," Thor relented. "He only shared one of my embarrassing tales."

"At least give us the short version," Clint pleaded.

Thor eyed his brother, then the door, judging which one could make it to the relative-safety of the outside world first. "He was a milkmaid for eight years," Thor whispered.

It might have been inconspicuous had Hawkeye not burst into fits of laughter.

Loki's eyes narrowed dangerously. Suddenly ransacking New York was sounding appealing again...

"Do visit my dear nephews soon, brother," Thor said with a smile. He glanced at the door once more. "They miss their mother." He bolted for the door before Loki could even react.

Loki's staff blared to life as he, too, raced for the door.

There was a soft tinkling of bells as the door slammed open and closed once more, buried among the fits of laughter from their table.

Tony was the only one who knew what to say. "It's a good thing that they don't have the internet in Asgard. Loki might get ideas."

"What do you mean?" Natasha asked between giggles.

"Two words," Tony said with a smirk, "Fan Fiction."

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**Once again, I am so sorry. I hope at least you got a giggle out of it.**


End file.
